In the name of Allah, The Most Beneficial, The Most Merciful
It’s hard to type down such things which are forbidden for us to talk about. I am not confessing my sins to anyone except Allah, but i feel like I need people to know out there that you are not alone at all. I know how hard it is to want to UNDO something from your life but unfortunately, it’s not quite easy as it is on a Microsoft page just clicking on it can take us back to what we wrote or did before.
Living in my country , its hard for us ( girls or women) to talk about sexuality freely, we have been told that we are the bone-back of modesty and Haya in the family, for sure , we have the strength to control our cranial desires but that doesn’t mean that it is easy for us to do so.
First of all , i am sorry for the girls out there who have been told by their families or relatives not to talk about sex or desires. I sympathize with you honestly and I UNDERSTAND YOU completely.
My story starts being a blessed and somewhat normal muslimah, living in a south Asian country willing to meet ends without properly understanding the purpose of life but just going along the flow exactly how we are thought to do so. I was 19 years old going towards 20. I wasnt the best of the muslimahs out there nor do i believe i was the worse but i knew my spirtuality and faith was very weak. Getting no family affection and attention led me to spend alot of time on the internet where I met a reading site – (which im not going to name here cause Wallahi I don’t want anyone else to go on it and get addicted) it was a harmless site at first, free books could be read by writers all around the world, the irony was i found this site when i was 14 years old but it hit me bad after 5-6 years. I came across R-rated stories which out of curiosity i started to read them, look don’t get me wrong, i had my guilt for doing it but my curiosity and urge was much stronger than it . I started to read such stories and it would build up feelings inside of me, It wasnt easy at all , it excited me ALLOT, but i never went extreme at that stage.
During March, my family problems grew so much that i indulged my self in my escape world which was the internet, Facebook, the -reading-site and what not. Some terminology in the stories got me so confused that i started to search them up and i honestly regret doing that because one thing leads to another, just as it has been said ‘ Do not consider a minor sin as minor and do not ignore it cause one minor sin can lead to a major one‘ and thus that happened.
I search about masturbation and how people do it , 1st April 2016 was when i did it first, yes i remember that cursed day that i went into it, i was shocked about what i did, i cried ruthlessly, i cried so much that i repented , took a ghusl and promised to never to go back. Little did i know that , that wasn’t enough and shaitaan will trick me again.. And that did happened, after a few days of living in guilt and doing as much as i can to overcome the haram i did, i felt as if the sin was lifted – do keep in mind shaitaan will lure you into thinking ‘ its okay, you’re forgiven, its been so long do it again‘ therefore leading me back to the trap and it went on and on again. I was becoming a disgusting, psychotic, desire fulling freak with just the mind-set to get that 5 minutes satisfaction of pleasure. What i forgot was that everything is being written down on my books by the angels.
My regret of doing something like this was hanging on a thin piece of thread, i was becoming so numb that I had lost my strength and will power to stop , it was long gone. Masturbation is ADDICTIVE and it will lead you to see stuff ( pornography), read context full of sexual content that will excite and lead your body to do the deed. I did zina with my eyes, hands and legs, i would hide from my family acting as if im going to sleep but in fact i would be masturbating. At first it was at night but then it became early morning deeds leading on to afternoon trips to the bedroom . I missed all my prayers, frankly speaking i didn’t care about them because i was in the state of constantly thinking about what i read or saw that i was always in an impure condition.
During this time – the hardest of all was during Ramadan, its not a joke at all, it was extremely , extremely hard for me. i had started to reduce but i couldn’t stop at all, i did it after the fast was open but psychologically i was and still am messed up.
CONTINUATION OF STORY IN THE NEXT BLOG – After Ramadan , my trip of getting freedom.
Girls i need you to understand is that to be loved and to get attention , please do not go into habits that you may not be able to get out of. It will psychologically and most importantly , spiritually kill you. Your fear of returning back to it will always be there and it’s not easy to go back and then come back again.
Boys and men out there , you are not the only one going through this. You might think that what a disgusting , vile person is this woman but in fact ive accepted the fact that i cant do this alone and such desire is something that we cannot ignore, no one is as strong to have such self-control without Allah’s help and you all should understand this as well, i have accepted the truth that i need Allah’s help and mercy which i know i will get through sincerity.
Email me if you need any help .